Time to Write

So I woke up early to write this morning. I thought I would have time to myself for just a few minutes. As soon as I opened our door, I heard movement in the kids room. I tried to sneak downstairs, but the light from my computer must have been too bright, they caught me. So I have been writing for two minutes and have sent two kids back to bed and made both of them cry. Yes, they still need to sleep so we don't cry at everything. The kid radar is working today. How do they know? They know when I am awake, they know when I have just fallen asleep, they know when I close the door to the bathroom, and they know when I have put milk on my cereal. (I can't stand soggy cereal, so when I put the milk on I have a two minute window of time to eat it.)

Anyhow,

The other day I was putting the kids to bed, we had sung the songs and said our prayers and I was telling them how smart and sweet and wonderful they were and how much I loved them, when I heard, "Mom, guess what I learned in science class?", I said "What?" Zach said, "Penguin moms feed their babies by throwing up. They eat the food and then they throw up and the babies eat the throw up. The nutrients are in the throw up. And they eat the throw up." I didn't really know what to say. I didn't know if he was telling me that because I had said he was smart or because I take care of him or because I was getting to mushy with the bedtime stuff or because dinner wasn't that good and his tummy hurt, but I answered with "That's so gross" to which he said, "No mom, that's so cool." I don't think I have a little boy anymore, he is growing up. He is into gross stuff. He is a boy. He is growing up so fast.

Speaking of fast, it is time to start breakfast and lunch for school. There are two boys up with me now. Time to start the day.

Me Time

I want to make the commitment to write everyday if only for 5 minutes. I made this decision two weeks ago and as you can see from this blog, I am not doing well at it. I have three things that I would like to do everyday. Excercise, write, and read my bible. I can seem to fit in one a day but never all three. As I write this the vultures (my hungry kids) are swarming so I know I will have to end. I exercised today so the writing is getting the ax. As I type Luke is crying next to me so goodbye for today. See you tomorrow (Hopefully).

Can you Scratch My Bottom?

What? I know that you can't believe I just wrote that. I could hardly believe the words were coming out of my sons mouth and directed at me. Luke asked me today, "Mom, Can you scratch my bottom?" I, as the always kind and compassionate mom who wants to help her kids whenever I can, said "No!" Sometimes you have to say to say no. I am working on that.

Snuggled Up

I am sitting here watching the movie that I loved as a kid. It was my favorite. I don't know how many times we rented it from the corner video store. As I sit here with my cup of coffee snuggled in my bed, I am overwhelmed with a sense of comfort. There is comfort in the known. Since I know the dialogue word for word, I have no doubt of the outcome of this movie. I know the girl will long to be loved and the boy will come along and dance with her and she will feel loved and they will live happily ever after. Sometimes when the world around me is crazy and full of the unknown, I need the known. God, be my known. In the crazy of this world, be my comfort, keep me snuggled in the crook of your arm. Let me find my peace and joy knowing that you are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Can you Pause this?

Yesterday, my husband was reading a book to our three year old. Luke looked up at Nathan and said "Daddy, can you pause this I need a snack?" I laughed so much. Kids manage to bring a smile to our faces when we need it the most. I am so thankful for the joy and fun that our kids bring to our lives. They make me laugh and smile daily. These are the times to remember when I feel at the end of my patience. I write this down now, so that I can look back and remember it when I feel crazy. So I can remember the fun.

Sick and Tired

My three year old is sick. He started running a fever yesterday. Unfortunately we had a party to go to last night so he had to stay home. It is so hard for me to leave my kids when they are sick. They seem so helpless and that is exactly how I feel. I want to take their pain and sadness away. I would gladly take it myself if they would be better. I think this is part of being a mom. It is part of letting them go. Not letting him go as far as not being with him, but releasing him to God because he is God's, not mine. Today I can sit and hold him and comfort him and watch what he is eating and drinking. Someday I may have to sit and watch him go through something harder and worse. I may be at a place where all I can do for him is pray. I will have to lift him up to his Heavenly Father and know that God is bigger than the problem that he is facing or the pain that he is in. So today I will practice praying for him through his pain and suffering. "God, Luke is your child. You love him more than I do. Heal his little body. Make him well. Help me to love him through the whining and complaining and demanding times. God, Help him to grow up to love you more than anything else. Cause his faith in you to grow. Amen."

Camping... There's no place like home.

This last weekend, we went camping. I don't go camping for the fun of it, I only go camping for my kids. To see them out having sword fights with sticks and running around with dirt smeared across their faces. I love to see them using their imaginations and sometimes I have to get them away from computers and the tv and video games in order to see that. But as we were out in nature, I decided that camping was good for one thing. It makes me thankful for the home that I live in. Cooking in nature makes me grateful for the four burner stove and full size fridge in my kitchen. Waking up in the middle of the night with my baby makes me thankful for the crib that keeps him asleep all night long. Having to hike through the dirt and wait in line to go to the bathroom makes my bathroom at home seem like a resort spa. People laughed when they heard that we only went camping for one night, But it is all that I can do. Next year, I will have forgotten the dirt and rocks and inconvience of this year's trip and we will do it all again. Maybe we will even make it two nights. But I have no doubt that I will come home again, thankful for the blessings of a house to live in. God, be with those who don't have a home to live in. Keep them warm and safe. Help me to be generous in giving to them.

Being Selfish

I have had a bad attitude the last few days. I have to be honest. It is totally just me being selfish. It all comes down to Poor Amy. My focus has been on me and not on anyone else. I am tired. I never get to sleep in. I have to change all the dirty diapers. I, I, I. No one is caring about me. No one is helping me. No one is doing things for me. Me, Me, Me. This is not true, but I can't see the truth. I can only see me. God, help me to take the focus off of me and put it on you. Help me to see the things I do for those around me as things I do for you. God, help me to find joy in changing diapers and getting up early with the kids. Turn my focus around so that those around me can see you instead of me.

Sleeping with a Smile

Today is a red letter day. Today something happened that we have been waiting and hoping and praying for a long time. Luke pooped on the potty today. He has been so fearful of doing it and tonight he just went in and sat down and did it. It seems silly to us to be afraid of that, but how many things am I afraid of that are so easy? I am often afraid to get outside my world, to step out into something that is unknown to me. I like to stay with what I know. With those I know. But how hard is it to talk to a neighbor? To encourage someone instead of passing them by? To reach out to those around me? Those are not hard things to do. And when I do them, I can be as proud of myself as Luke was tonight. He was so pleased with himself. He told me "when I have my eyes closed, I will still have a smile". And as his mom, I am proud too. And if I am this proud of him, I know that when I reach out, my Father is proud of me too.

Weddings

Yesterday my sister got married. She and her new husband are so cute and in love. They can be seen kissing and hugging whenever they are together. They are quick to get an eyelash from each others faces and whisper words of love to each other. They are so sweet to watch.

We just celebrated our 12th anniversary a week ago and I am shocked by the difference in our behavior. I know we must have started out our married life in the same way, but now we are lucky if we get a kiss without morning breath and a hug without a child sandwiched between us. We are now so busy with raising kids and work that an eyelash on our faces is the least of our worries. It would have to be a large chunk of something for one of us to notice there was something different. We still love each other don't get me wrong, but our love right now is more of a love in the trenches kind of love. I cover him and he covers me. There is some dirt and grime that you have to sit in. It is not roses and candles. It is more spit up and nightlights.

There are some days when I wish we could go back to the first days of marriage. When we only had eyes for each other. It is a beautiful place to be. But then I look at what we have made of our lives. We have seen the best and worst of each other. We have three kids that bring such delight to our lives. We have had our first fight and our 100th fight and have made it through. Life here in the trenches is good too. I know that someday we will make it out of this place too and into a new kind of love. So I rejoice in the love that we have now. I know I will look back fondly on the trench time and lean over and kiss my husband as we sit in our rockers holding wrinkly hands.

A Dose of Reality TV

Last night I watched The Dugger family on their show 18 Kids and counting. They were off to a home school event in their bus with all thier kids meeting other families with lots of kids who homeschool. I thought to myself, that is the life. That is what we need to do. We need to live in the country and home school our kids and go to conferences in a bus all together singing all the way.

Then I woke up. The harsh light of day can really burst the dream bubble I was living in. The breakfast I cooked wasn't right. (Yes, I cooked it today and yet someone still had cereal.) The plans I had cooked up for the boys to have play dates weren't what they had wanted. And the fun "school like activity" which had spiderman on it, wasn't wanted. By lunch time, as I was cleaning the poop off the floor, my thoughts of 15 more kids being taught by me were gone.

I got a reality check. That is a great life for the Duggers, but I need to live the best life for the Cherrys. I need to be happy with where we are now and do my best each day with my kids that I have. I may never homeschool my kids, but I can make sure they are getting the education that they need and the spiritual lessons that they need. It is nice living in someone else's world for a little while, I guess that is why they have tv, but cuddling on the couch with my boys or running in the sprinkler with them is a reality I love.

I cleaned out two drawers.

There are days like today when nothing gets done. My baby got shots yesterday and ran a fever today and only wanted to be held. The other kids were still testing the boundaries of summer vacation and I needed to be the referee for them. So when Nathan came home from work, I looked like a frazzled mess, the house looked like kids had played in it all day, and I needed a break. I feel like I have accomplished nothing today. I did manage to get two of my five drawers of my dresser cleaned out. Wowee! At this rate, I am going to have the whole house cleaned in two years. Nathan doesn't ask what I have done to make sure I have done things, just to have something to talk about, but I always feel like I should give a list of the things that I have produced. I guess I am still learning that I have worth because I am rather than because I can produce. Do I love my kids any more if they do something for me (NO) or do I love them just because they are?(Yes) That is how God sees me. That is how Nathan sees me. So that is how I should see myself. I have value whether the house gets cleaned or not. I have worth. I will keep repeating that to myself and who knows maybe tomorrow I will get the last three drawers cleaned out. (I have high hopes for tomorrow.)

The Move

We finally moved Joshua to a crib in another room. It sounds silly, but I cried. I am blessed to have a husband, who instead of laughing at me for crying about moving Josh out, rubbed my back and assured me that he would be okay. I know he was fine. I could hear his every breath because the monitor was on high so I could jump up at a moments notice. My heart was sad to have him go. I know it is just the next room, but it was still hard. It was a first step at letting him go. Letting go is hard. But I am just taking it one day at a time, one step at a time. I have to practice now because one day there will be a bigger separation than the one wall that keeps us apart now. One day I will have to let each of my boys make their own choices and live their own lives apart from me. So each day I am practicing letting them go. Releasing them. Letting them choose what show to watch on tv, letting them decide who's hand to hold across the street, and as small as it might seem, letting Josh sleep in a different room.

What's my Motto

Luke told me last night that he learned a new word of the day. It was shrink. My mom explained the meaning while I was returning a shirt to Walmart that had shrunk. Anyway, after he told me the word, he told me it was his Motto. I don't think he knows what motto means, but it got me thinking. What is my motto?

I have a piece of paper taped to my bulletin board that says, "Environment of Grace". I guess I am hoping that is my motto. That is how I want to live my life. That is what I want people around me to feel when they come into my presence. I don't know where I heard it from, but I liked it and have had it up for a while. I had forgotten it and it has been covered over with the phone number for Zach's school and some pictures of the kids. But I need to remember it. When Nathan comes home from work, does he feel an environment of grace, or a crazy stressed out family waiting to pounce on him when he comes in the door? Do my kids feel like they can mess up and not have mom yell at them for their mistakes? Do I surround the people I love most with the grace of Christ? I think I need to uncover the card and take the time each day to read it. I need to pray for the strength and courage to give grace to those around me. I want that to be my motto. Shoot- Let's put it on my tombstone. Amy Cherry- Lived in an environment of grace. She was a supermom and a supermodel. (I'll be dead, who will know?)

Just a Few Minutes

I have created a new plan. Summer is coming and I am excited yet scared at the same time. Zach and Luke have been fighting every afternoon and it makes me crazy. I get so tired of being the referee. So today I decided to let them watch a small amount of TV in the afternoon when Josh goes down for a nap. One show to get me some quiet. Now I am working my hardest at not feeling guilty about letting them watch TV. I know there are many other things that they could do, but most of them would start with or lead to fighting. So I am going to use this half hour to calm myself. I can read. I can write. I can nap. I can do housework. I can go to the bathroom without anyone trying to come in. Anything I want. Yeah Me! So far so good. My thirty minutes are almost up. I am going to go close my eyes for a minute before I have to give them the bad news that TV time is over. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes.

We are having a situation.

Luke has been using big words recently. On Friday, he told me that he "did not appreciate" the thing that I told him he could not do as he stomped from the room. I don't remember now what it was, but he was very polite in his distaste for the situation. It was a good thing he left the room because we who were left had a hard time keeping a straight face.

Yesterday, I heard some sqwabbling upstairs. He and Zach were at it again and he came downstairs telling me that "we are having a situation". I thought it was very funny. He comes up with some that keep me hiding my smile and biting my tongue to keep from laughing.

Tonight we were outside and he saw the moon. It was a half moon and he said he would like "to go up there and put it back together in his spaceship...when are we going to be building a spaceship?" I think he is still convinced Papa can build anything, even a spaceship. We may have an astronaut farmer on our hands here.

I just have to keep on laughing. I can't let the days events weigh me down. God gave us kids who make us laugh. I just have to remember what a blessing they are.

The Diaper Change

Right now my three year old is running around the house with no pants or pull up on. Just a bare bottom. He is revolting against the pull up. I am revolting against the diaper. He doesn't like the change from the diaper to anything else. So we are having a standoff. I want him to go on the potty. He is so used to the diaper and that feeling that he is having a hard time with the change. So here we are.

Isn't that the way I am with things? I don't like the feel of something new (a new routine, a new way of thinking about myself , a new conviction from God) so I revolt. I don't see the good in the new. I only can feel the change and it makes me uncomfortable.

So like Luke, I have to get used to the feeling of something new. I have to try it out a few times for a short while and then I will begin to like it. And hopefully like using the potty, it will become routine and a part of my daily life. Until then, let's all pray for the standoff to end peacefully.