I cleaned out two drawers.

There are days like today when nothing gets done. My baby got shots yesterday and ran a fever today and only wanted to be held. The other kids were still testing the boundaries of summer vacation and I needed to be the referee for them. So when Nathan came home from work, I looked like a frazzled mess, the house looked like kids had played in it all day, and I needed a break. I feel like I have accomplished nothing today. I did manage to get two of my five drawers of my dresser cleaned out. Wowee! At this rate, I am going to have the whole house cleaned in two years. Nathan doesn't ask what I have done to make sure I have done things, just to have something to talk about, but I always feel like I should give a list of the things that I have produced. I guess I am still learning that I have worth because I am rather than because I can produce. Do I love my kids any more if they do something for me (NO) or do I love them just because they are?(Yes) That is how God sees me. That is how Nathan sees me. So that is how I should see myself. I have value whether the house gets cleaned or not. I have worth. I will keep repeating that to myself and who knows maybe tomorrow I will get the last three drawers cleaned out. (I have high hopes for tomorrow.)

The Move

We finally moved Joshua to a crib in another room. It sounds silly, but I cried. I am blessed to have a husband, who instead of laughing at me for crying about moving Josh out, rubbed my back and assured me that he would be okay. I know he was fine. I could hear his every breath because the monitor was on high so I could jump up at a moments notice. My heart was sad to have him go. I know it is just the next room, but it was still hard. It was a first step at letting him go. Letting go is hard. But I am just taking it one day at a time, one step at a time. I have to practice now because one day there will be a bigger separation than the one wall that keeps us apart now. One day I will have to let each of my boys make their own choices and live their own lives apart from me. So each day I am practicing letting them go. Releasing them. Letting them choose what show to watch on tv, letting them decide who's hand to hold across the street, and as small as it might seem, letting Josh sleep in a different room.

What's my Motto

Luke told me last night that he learned a new word of the day. It was shrink. My mom explained the meaning while I was returning a shirt to Walmart that had shrunk. Anyway, after he told me the word, he told me it was his Motto. I don't think he knows what motto means, but it got me thinking. What is my motto?

I have a piece of paper taped to my bulletin board that says, "Environment of Grace". I guess I am hoping that is my motto. That is how I want to live my life. That is what I want people around me to feel when they come into my presence. I don't know where I heard it from, but I liked it and have had it up for a while. I had forgotten it and it has been covered over with the phone number for Zach's school and some pictures of the kids. But I need to remember it. When Nathan comes home from work, does he feel an environment of grace, or a crazy stressed out family waiting to pounce on him when he comes in the door? Do my kids feel like they can mess up and not have mom yell at them for their mistakes? Do I surround the people I love most with the grace of Christ? I think I need to uncover the card and take the time each day to read it. I need to pray for the strength and courage to give grace to those around me. I want that to be my motto. Shoot- Let's put it on my tombstone. Amy Cherry- Lived in an environment of grace. She was a supermom and a supermodel. (I'll be dead, who will know?)

Just a Few Minutes

I have created a new plan. Summer is coming and I am excited yet scared at the same time. Zach and Luke have been fighting every afternoon and it makes me crazy. I get so tired of being the referee. So today I decided to let them watch a small amount of TV in the afternoon when Josh goes down for a nap. One show to get me some quiet. Now I am working my hardest at not feeling guilty about letting them watch TV. I know there are many other things that they could do, but most of them would start with or lead to fighting. So I am going to use this half hour to calm myself. I can read. I can write. I can nap. I can do housework. I can go to the bathroom without anyone trying to come in. Anything I want. Yeah Me! So far so good. My thirty minutes are almost up. I am going to go close my eyes for a minute before I have to give them the bad news that TV time is over. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes.