Musings from the Bog

There haven't been many blog posts lately. I haven't been feeling very motherly or poetic or full of wisdom to share. I am feeling so bogged down by stuff. I had this vision of myself as a mother. I would fasten my Super Mom cape around my neck and soar through life with my kids. I would create such a learning environment for them that all of life would be a classroom and they would excel in school. I would latch my pearls around my neck and kiss my husband and welcome to a clean house with the aroma of dinner inviting him in. I would have long talks with my friends and know their lives as well as I know my own. But this is not where I am right now. Instead of supermom, my kids have frazzled mom. I don't feel like I can fly because I have so much that is dragging me down. The little things, the big things, issues with the kids, cost of living going up and the amount in the bank going down, annoying things my husband does, heavy burdens that my friends are bearing, mom guilt for not being more than I am right now. They all have built up to this moment. This time where I am trying to have a few moments of peace in my chaotic world.

So what can I do? What can I learn from this time in the bog? Here's what I am working on today.

1. God is with me right now. He is sitting beside me wanting to take my heavy load and carry it for me.

2. God is in control. One of my favorite songs says, "This is not how we planned it, when we started this journey, but this is where we are, and Our God is in control". This is not what I would have envisioned for my life, this moment, this time, but God is in control. He is still the focus and I need to be where he wants me to be.

3. I won't let the small things alter my focus. I will not get sucked into a place where the small things, the problems with my kids, the spilling of water, the screaming of "MOM" all through the day, the socks left out of the laundry basket, the toothpaste smeared across the counter get to me. I will not let them define me. I will clean them up and I will work with my kids, but I will not let them take my focus off of God. I am his child. I am his daughter so the cape that I wear, may not be a superhero cape, but it is the cape of a princess. I wear royal colors even in the swampy bog.

This doesn't change all that is swirling around me. It doesn't change my kids, it doesn't change my husband, it doesn't change our finances, but it does change me. For today, for this moment, I am at peace where I am. I am strengthened. I am resting in Christ. I am his.

A True Story

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and your husband does nothing right? I feel bad for him now, after the fact, but when I am in the middle of getting everyone out of the house and lunches made and breakfast on the table, I was mad. This morning was one of those mornings. He turned off the alarm, so we started the day off late. Then he tried to help make lunches, but didn't know what to put in them. I snapped. Was he trying to make me crazy? It is not help if I have to tell him what to do.

In the midst of it all, I needed to stop and take a deep breath. I needed to remember that my husband is not my enemy. It is not me against him. He wants good things for me. He wants my best. It may not come out as the best at that moment, but it is true. We do have an enemy who is seeking to destroy our marriage. It is Satan. He wants nothing better than for our marriage to fail. He wants us to break. So he whispers to my heart, he speaks lies that my husband is trying to sabotage the peace in our family.

In the book Love and War by John and Stasi Eldridge, he writes, "You have an enemy. Your marriage has an enemy. Believe it or not, this is very good news. Because the epiphany that follows is this-your spouse is not the enemy. He is not the enemy. She is not the enemy. Really." "For years Stasi and I lived with this constant feeling of accusation in our marriage. She "felt" accused by me, and I "felt" accused by her. What a relief to discover that these feelings of accusation were not actually ours; they were coming from him who is called "the Accuser" (Revelation 12:10)."

The truth of our morning is that my husband was trying to give us a few extra minutes of sleep. He was trying to help do one of the things that I normally do in the morning. He was trying to make things easier for me. In order for me to see this truth, I have to stop listening to the lies and listen to the truth. The truth is this: My husband loves me. He wants good for me and our family. I need to let go all the frustration at him and see the truth in what he is trying to do for me. When I feel the anger rising, I need to repeat over in my head, "You are not the enemy" and begin praying that I would look at my husband with eyes of love and see the truth in the situation.

When it rains, it pours.

That is what they always say. Today it is pouring. When someone is close to death, is it selfish to feel sad? Nathan's grandpa is dying. We don't know the days or the hour. But I feel sad. I have only known him for 13 years and I am sad. He is crotchedy and stubborn and kind and sweet all at the same time. I know he has caused many a problem in his time, but to me he has only ever been kind and gracious and gentle and humble. Always offering a smile and a kind word to me with a bottle of honey or two when we passed through. I am sad for us. For we are being left behind. I would guess that he is not sad at all. He knows Jesus and believes in him and so we know that he is going home. And when he gets there, his wife will be waiting. I think he has been waiting for this time for about 7 years now. It will be a sweet reunion for him. But for us, it is an ending. Our kids have great memories of times on the farm. Of tramping through the dirt and grandpa getting out the tractor for rides. I have memories of seeing all my kids with their great grandpa. Thank you God, that Grandpa knows you. Thank you for the time he had on earth with us. Heal our sadness.

I've been using the "Think" System on you from the Parlor

"I've been using the think system on you from the parlor" is a quote from one of my favorite movies "The Music Man". The "Think" system is where you think the thought in your mind and you can do it (if you think the song in your head, you can play it). I have been using the think system on my kids recently. In our house of 3 boys, there is more talk of Star Wars and zero talk of Music Man, so maybe I have been using "the force" on my kids. Either way, I am doing it.

I have been working on math with Zachary and I find myself everyday thinking the number in my head and repeating it over and over hoping that he will say or write the number I am thinking. Sometimes he gets it and sometimes he doesn't.

I can't help but wonder if God doesn't use the think system on me. Does He see me coming to a fork in the road and keep repeating "take the right one"? When I enter into a conversation, does He say the words that I should say over and over hoping that those words will come out of me? My prayer today is this, "God keep using the think system on me. I am trying. Help me to hear the words and make the choices that you would want me to make."

Whose kids are those?

Have you ever not wanted to claim your kids? I did today. Today was our weekly trip to Target and I splurged and got the boys each their own snack. Josh has a runny nose and I am trying to not spread it around the house. Anyhow, Josh has this terrible habit of when he is done with his food, he throws it on the ground. We don't condone this behavior. He is reprimanded and yet he continues to do so. I know you can probably see where this is going, but I will tell you anyhow. So for the first time ever, Josh had his own icee. It was cherry and a lovely shade of red. He was doing fine with it, he was looking at things as we passed by until he was done. I was browsing a clearance endcap, when Josh made it clear that he was done. Icee meets floor and what looked like a small amount left in the cup, was the Red Sea on the floor at Target. So there I was on my hands and knees, asking God to multiply the 5 napkins that I had gotten at the beginning of the trip. Praying for a miracle to be performed that the five napkins would somehow soak up the red sea and that no one would pass by while I was crawling around on the floor. But you know what, people did pass by, and you know what else, I lived and my kids are still alive too. From now on, I will not look down upon the mom whose kids are out of control in the store, for she is probably praying for a miracle of her own. I have walked in those shoes and felt the embarassment that kids can bring. The moral of the story is, if you pass a mom with crazy kids, before you turn your cart in the opposite direction, give a smile or say a prayer for her. She may need it more than you know.

The day before Easter

Tomorrow is one of my favorite days. Easter. That is the day to celebrate Jesus the Risen Lord of my Life. But I can't help but think about Jesus' friends tonight. They must have been going through the motions on Saturday. After someone they loved so dearly had died, been crucified, and had been buried along with their dreams of a king, they must have been stunned and shocked. They had no idea what tomorrow morning would bring for them.

Sometimes I feel like I am just living my life going through the motions. I go through my routines and get things done, but I live a quiet and regular life. I live like it is Saturday before Easter. Like the body is still in the tomb.

Tonight as I read the story of Jesus' death to my kids, they were sad. But then we kept reading about the women going to the grave of Jesus and finding it empty. When we read that he was risen, my four year old, jumped up and put his arms around my neck in relief and joy over the end of the story. When we hear that the tomb is empty we can rejoice. We can wrap our arms around each other with joy in our hearts because he is no longer there in the grave.

I know what happens on Easter and I need to live like it everyday. I need to rejoice and live my life to the fullest, sharing the story of Jesus with those around me. I need to be bold instead of routine. I need to be jumping up and wrapping my arms around those I know and showing them the love in my life because Jesus is alive.

Thank you God for Easter. Thank you that we have hope and a future with you. Thank you for Jesus.

To Homeschool or not to homeschool that is the question!

We have once again entered into the topic of homeschooling. The subject just keeps coming up. Of the three people who would have a say in the matter, one is for it, one against it and the most important person voting, me, undecided. We thought about homeschooling before Zachary started kindergarten and then again when he struggled with school last year it briefly made an appearance, but recently the thoughts have been running through my head of what if I could teach him and know exactly the influences that were being put on him. What if I had the control to say this is what we are going to study and not what someone else wants to study?

The thing that keeps me from not just going for it is me. Do I have what it takes to be disciplined and keep us studying? Do I have the ability to explain things several times to him so that he can understand it? Do I have the patience to work with him when he doesn't feel like doing school work and puts up a stink? Do I have the ability to tune out the toddler running around the house and focus in on teaching a 3rd grader and do Kindergarten at the same time?

Is this what God wants for our family? I guess that has to be the main question because if he doesn't want it, we don't want it either. If he does want it for us, the rest of the things will work themselves out. We will find a solution to the problems. God, help me to know if this is what you want for us. Help me to listen to your plan for our family and not my own.