Up Rooted

Almost 6 months ago our family moved to the "country". It's not really the country. It's more of a large land mass about 15 miles from the town we lived in, but for this city girl, it feels like the country. There is so much that I love about living in the country. I love watching our boys use their imaginations exploring the yard and building forts and hideouts. I love seeing them learn how to garden and grow some of the food we eat. I love the way they are learning about nature and how to explore uncharted territory.

And even though we moved to the country to have room for the boys to run and move, I have found that I am really enjoying the country for me. I love the easy going life. I love going out to the garden and gathering the food we will eat for dinner. I have been out berry picking every other day and although the thorns are terrible and I have very scratched up arms, there is a peacefulness out in the warm evening, gathering treats from God's garden. We have turned the berries into a cobbler, jam, and delicious ice cream. I am finding such joy and accomplishment from making things. We have made our own laundry soap and I am making my own hand soap as soon as the store bought kind has run out. It is amazing to create things that we used to spend a lot on and now with a little work can spend pennies on.

It's funny. I used to get fiction novels at the library. The last time we came home from the library, I had books on gardening, making good dirt, and raising chickens. Yes, we are contemplating chickens. I am reseaching compost and how to make the best stuff. I am looking on our property for the best chicken coop site.
Life has changed. But the change has been good. I like who I am becoming in the country. I am braver. I am willing to try more. I am more industrious. I am busy, but I am having a wonderful time.

Fighting Fear

This morning I woke up to a battle. It was a battle raging in my heart and mind. It was truth vs. fear. I spent a good part of my morning waging war against living in fear. Our oldest son went to San Franscisco for the day. I was sending him with someone I trust completely. I was sending him to have a wonderful day. He was so happy to be going, but my mind was struggling to trust him. What if he wandered off? What if he looked over the Golden Gate too far and fell in? What if he didn't get off the cable car when everyone else did? What if...?

In my what ifs, the assumption is that when he is with me, I have control over all these situations. Why do I trust that everything will go right when he is with me? Why do I think that I can care for him better than someone else? Do I think that I have control over things? No. In reality, I have no power over other people. I have no power to stop someone from falling or being lost.

I have to trust. I have to trust God. I have to trust that He is watching over my kids. I have to trust that even if something terrible happened, that God would still be faithful and be there for me and my kids. That God is in control in the good times and the bad times. I also have to learn to trust my kids. Our oldest is growing up. He is maturing and becoming more responsible. I have to let him make mistakes and also let him do well on his own. It is part of growing up for both of us. But I am proud of myself. I fought through it today. I have been peaceful and not been filled with fear and worry. I have rested in the arms of my God knowing He is watching over me and my child.

24 Hours Alone

Nathan and I just celebrated our anniversary. It has been 14 years since we got married. It seems like it was just yesterday and yet it seems like this is how it has always been. Years 12 and 13 have been a bit hard. There have been times when we frustrated each other and moments when we didn't like each other very much. Things in our lives have been crazy and chaotic these past few years. It has been a few years since we were able to step away from our lives and just be the two of us. So to be here tucked away in a beautiful B &B is amazing. (We are in the Longfellow room. And in a room named that I can not help but write.)

We started our escape together with a massage and then we jetted off to this B &B which is so close to our town and yet far enough that we feel secluded. We "cooked" our own dinner at the fondue restaurant last night which was such a change for us. We sat in this tiny little nook in the restaurant, cocooned off, talking and sharing. Our normal restaurant style is Taco Bell or McDonalds with three boys, who scarf down their food at the speed of light and then can't sit still to wait for the rest of us to finish. So to sit for several hours and wait for the food and talk was magical. It was a wonderful time to remenise about who we were and how we started our lives together. We talked about our current situations and about the future. We laughed and we were silent just enjoying being together.

As usual, I was up with the sun. I tried to be still and not to wake Nathan. As I lay there, I smiled. There is no other person that I would rather walk through this life with. There is no person that knows me the way that he does. It is beautiful to be known by someone. To have him know my heart and my fears. He knows that I love ketchup on my breakfast potatoes. He knows I love no pulp in my orange juice. He knows I like flowers but not expensive ones from a florist. (A lesson from an earlier anniversary.) He knows me. And he loves me. The real me.

These 24 hours away have been priceless. They have given us moments to sit with each other and in the quiet of these moments we have recalled the reasons why we love each other. God, thank you for Nathan. Thank you for giving us to each other. Thank you for our marriage. I pray that you would strengthen it. I pray that you would make us the couple that you want us to be. Thank you for showing us how to love each other through the hard times and the good times. God, help me to be the wife that Nathan needs. Give me eyes to see his needs and the desire to meet them.

Slug Bug

My kids have me trained. I was riding in the car alone and I yelled out, "Red one." My kids love to play Slug Bug. Even Josh our 2 year old. He can't really identify a bug, but he echo's the yells of the other boys and sometimes yells out colors on his own. But they have me doing it too. I yell it out even when I am riding with other grown ups and my kids are not around. As I sit here, I am not with my kids and I can't help but wonder if the reverse it true as well. Are they trained? Do they remember the things that I have said when I am not with them. The things that I am constantly speaking to them about, do they remember when I am not looking? Do they use their manners? Do they sit on the furniture instead of jumping on it? Do they use their words instead of their hands? And will they remember the more valuable lessons in the future? Will they remember when they are out of my care the words that I have sung to them every night? Will they remember that "God loves them and I love them" or that "God is watching over you each day"? That is my desire. That is my goal. So I work toward that goal. I remind them in the waking hours to be kind and to not jump on the furniture and in the going to sleep that they are loved and cherished by me and by the God that created them. I repeat the words over and over until I feel crazy with the repetition in hopes that when we are apart that they will remember. God, help me to train up my children so that when they are old they will not depart from it. God, help me to be consistent and never wavering in their care and training. Let me remain faithful and steadfast in this job that you have blessed me with.

Is it you God?

Have you ever been sitting in church and something hits you? It happened to me today. Something that the pastor was saying really got me thinking. But then I started to get mad. Was I being convicted by the Holy Spirit in this or was Satan attacking me? Do I doubt myself because God is speaking to me or is Satan making me doubt myself? I am reading a book about Mary, Jesus' mother, and Satan speaks to her soul and causes her to doubt herself. (It is a fiction book.) But doesn't Satan speak to us? Doesn't he whisper to me that I am not worthy or that I am not beautiful or that I am not enough?

I don't really know the answer yet. I am not sure if it was God or Satan. But I am praying about it. God show me what you want me to see. Help me to hear what you have to say to me. Help me to be open to your Spirit's leading. Guide my heart and my thoughts. Make me in line with your Son. Help me to seek your truth and not measure myself with anyone else's ruler. Not the world's, not our pastor's, not mine. God help me to see me as you see me. God help me to be what you want me to be. God, teach me your thoughts.

Musings from the Bog

There haven't been many blog posts lately. I haven't been feeling very motherly or poetic or full of wisdom to share. I am feeling so bogged down by stuff. I had this vision of myself as a mother. I would fasten my Super Mom cape around my neck and soar through life with my kids. I would create such a learning environment for them that all of life would be a classroom and they would excel in school. I would latch my pearls around my neck and kiss my husband and welcome to a clean house with the aroma of dinner inviting him in. I would have long talks with my friends and know their lives as well as I know my own. But this is not where I am right now. Instead of supermom, my kids have frazzled mom. I don't feel like I can fly because I have so much that is dragging me down. The little things, the big things, issues with the kids, cost of living going up and the amount in the bank going down, annoying things my husband does, heavy burdens that my friends are bearing, mom guilt for not being more than I am right now. They all have built up to this moment. This time where I am trying to have a few moments of peace in my chaotic world.

So what can I do? What can I learn from this time in the bog? Here's what I am working on today.

1. God is with me right now. He is sitting beside me wanting to take my heavy load and carry it for me.

2. God is in control. One of my favorite songs says, "This is not how we planned it, when we started this journey, but this is where we are, and Our God is in control". This is not what I would have envisioned for my life, this moment, this time, but God is in control. He is still the focus and I need to be where he wants me to be.

3. I won't let the small things alter my focus. I will not get sucked into a place where the small things, the problems with my kids, the spilling of water, the screaming of "MOM" all through the day, the socks left out of the laundry basket, the toothpaste smeared across the counter get to me. I will not let them define me. I will clean them up and I will work with my kids, but I will not let them take my focus off of God. I am his child. I am his daughter so the cape that I wear, may not be a superhero cape, but it is the cape of a princess. I wear royal colors even in the swampy bog.

This doesn't change all that is swirling around me. It doesn't change my kids, it doesn't change my husband, it doesn't change our finances, but it does change me. For today, for this moment, I am at peace where I am. I am strengthened. I am resting in Christ. I am his.